The importance of healthy anger
Why do so many of us have trouble with anger? In this article, we look at the different ways anger shows up and explain what healthy anger really is.
Anger – friend or foe?
A lot of people struggle with anger. We might not like feeling angry or may not know what to do with it. As a result, we sometimes keep it inside or express it in unhealthy ways.
But anger is actually an important emotion that can help us. It protects our boundaries, supports our well-being, and can improve our relationships.
Let’s start by understanding what anger really means.
Anger is a natural and assertive energy we are all born with. It helps us stand up for ourselves and say, “I matter!”
Anger lets us know when someone has crossed a line or broken our trust. It pushes us to share our feelings and try to fix problems.
If we handle anger healthily, it can create positive changes. It helps us speak up when things are unfair or gives us the energy to address problems in our relationships.
Unhealthy anger
Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, can do a lot of damage.
It can show up as:
- yelling and screaming
- accusing others
- using abusive language
- smashing or throwing things or slamming doors
- physical violence
Unhealthy anger can also show up in indirect ways, known as passive-aggressive behaviors:
- sarcasm
- moodiness, sulking, or pouting
- giving the silent treatment
- constant complaining or playing the victim
- compliments that seem nice but are actually insulting
- subtle sabotage via procrastination or ‘forgetting’ to do tasks
Another kind of unhealthy anger is when we push it down completely. In those cases, we might not even realize we are angry. Holding back anger can cause health problems like high blood pressure, muscle tension, depression, headaches, and anxiety. In relationships, it can leave you feeling numb or wanting to pull away from others.
The dilemma of anger
Anger is a normal feeling that helps us protect our boundaries. Still, it comes with a challenge that can make it hard to handle.
Anger can feel and look aggressive or confrontational. But most of us don’t want to appear aggressive; we want to get along with others. Showing anger, especially to people we care about, can make us feel guilty or anxious. This is the main challenge with anger: how do we express it in a balanced way, without pushing people away?
If you can’t respond when someone crosses your boundaries, you might build up a lot of stress over time. But if you let your anger explode, it can damage your relationships.
So how can we handle this dilemma of anger?
Healthy anger
We need to find healthy ways to deal with our anger. Bottling it up, acting passive-aggressively, or throwing fits of rage are all unhealthy ways to cope. Often, these habits stem from fear of truly feeling anger.
There are several ways to manage anger in a healthy way. Deep breathing, counting to ten before you respond, or taking a short walk can help you calm down your nervous system.
Next, think about what made you angry. Ask yourself: What caused this anger? How should I respond? Maybe someone crossed a boundary or hurt your feelings.
After that, decide if you want to express your anger or not. The important thing is not to push the feeling away.
Learning to manage anger takes time. Sometimes, talking to a therapist or writing about your anger in a journal can help.
If you notice that anger is having a big impact on your daily life or relationships, it may help to seek professional help. A trained therapist can give you advice that fits your situation and help you manage your emotions in a healthy way.
The importance of healthy anger is that we notice and accept it. We feel the anger in the body rather than ignoring it. We contemplate the situation and figure out how to respond. In the end, this leaves the individual, not the emotion, in charge.